We often hear birth parents say adoption was the most challenging decision they ever made. Regardless of the levels of openness, adoption is and continues to be a highly emotional and necessary adjustment for everyone, primarily to those in the adoption triad. At Adoptions From The Heart, we exercise expertise in domestic infant adoption. However, over the last few years, we’ve seen an increase in cases of all variations, including those of older children and single parents, such as this one. We were able to sit down and speak with adoptive mother, Renita Russell, to discuss her journey through open adoption as a single mom in an older child placement.
“So, I am forty years old, which is still very young, and I decided as a single woman to pursue adoption. It was a huge lifestyle change to welcome a child into my world by myself,” she said. “I work in the healthcare industry. And so, trying to balance work, Mom, those were things that I had to consider as I went through this process solo.”
She added, “And then, again, I had to factor in life, my age, what I wanted to do, and experiences. I love to travel, only now, I’m able to get into doing it again, now that my son’s getting older.”
The adoptive mom mentioned that this placement was indeed her first child, diving into her life and relationships with her family and village.
“My Son is my only child. However, it is not my first introduction to the adoption world. My father has three siblings that my grandmother adopted and took in. I grew up not seeing a difference between them and the others.” She continued, “It was like, hey, we were one big family, and that’s how I knew them. It wasn’t until later on when I got older, that I learned their story.”
She mentioned that adoption had always been a part of her life and felt that one day, adopting for herself had always been something that was in the cards for her. She expressed wanting to be placed with a child because she’d watched her grandmother, as a widow who already had children, essentially save three lives from being a part of a broken childcare system. And so that was something that was near and dear to her heart.
“I had a close friend who was adopted, and she was born addicted to drugs. And, you know, just her story, the things that she shared with me about growing up and even meeting her birth family, it resonated with me. Just knowing how loved she is. That was a connection point for me.”
Renita mentioned having another friend whose adoption story is slightly different. “She is adopted, and she struggled with her adoptive family. She didn’t like celebrating her birthdays for a long time because she felt it wasn’t a happy moment for her. And so, people in my world, from coworkers who went through adoption to my sister’s best friend who was adopted, it was always a part of my world.” she mentioned.
“I got different perspectives from friends and people in my life who did adopt. Just hearing their different perspectives never swayed me from wanting to do it, but it opened my eyes to how different those experiences can be.”
Many times with our clients, and even in our personal lives, things happen or go on in the lives of the people most important to us and it tends to influence what we deem important. If you’re exposed to adoption, you tend to view adoption differently. Or if you know someone who experienced a more complex adoption journey, it might jar you from wanting to pursue adoption yourself. As a single parent, I asked if she felt she had to navigate the adoption world differently, and her response was “100%. Yeah.”
“There are agencies that flat out would not take me because I was single. They were like, well, you know, birth parents really tend to lean towards couples so we only take maybe one or a handful.” She continued, “That was a little disheartening because it puts a bad taste in your mouth. You begin to question whether you’re making the right choice. I make a great living. I have such a supportive family and a great community. However, there are stereotypes out there, and you sometimes feel that there’s a judgment as a single person of a certain age. You feel there’s a stigma placed on you. When you go through a process like this, having to find agencies that are okay with you being a single adoptive parent and welcome you and they don’t bother you and make you feel a way, you know, that was eye-opening for sure.”
It can be very frustrating to feel like people might see you as incapable because you are a single prospective parent. At Adoptions From The Heart(AFTH), we pride ourselves on providing services based on the needs and wants of our clients, not based on our own prejudgements. Hearing this made me wonder if, going through the process as a single woman, she felt she had to be a little more open in her approach.
“Yeah. So, you know, at first, you get in your head. You feel like, okay, I need to expect to wait. I prepared and allowed myself to get comfortable with the idea of the waiting game, and you almost begin to double and triple that. Talking to other agencies with such a negative tone, you get in your head and feel like you need to offer and be open to everything to make yourself more appealing.”
She continued, “And you have to gut-check that. Ask yourself what you are comfortable with. I went to Delaware, and there was another single woman and two other couples when we met with. Amanda’s approach made me feel very comfortable, and I never felt like I was less than or so different from the couples in the room. The way she spoke helped me think about things as I was like filling out my key and profile. I explored and thought about what I was comfortable with and was honest with myself instead of making selections from a fearful place. But at the same time, I was afraid that I’d check a box that would prevent me from experiencing that. I encourage anybody about to go through this process, to be honest with yourself because it is a lot different when you finally have that child. Sit with that for a second. You can always change it, but don’t make selections from a fearful place.”
At AFTH, we’re all about options, choosing the right path, and what’s best for you. That goes for expecting parents and prospective adoptive parents. Regarding the family profiles, it can be nerve-wracking because you are most nervous about being someone expecting parents will want to choose. However, after discussing the importance of preparation, I wanted to go back to the beginning of the placement and what the transition was.
“It was interesting because you have this expectation of waiting. You must check yourself because you eventually get to a place where everything’s approved. My profile is complete. Everything is live. People are viewing me. I’m being shown. And there is this balance that you have to deal with. You’ll want to go out and buy everything, set up, and have a registry, but you don’t know when it will happen or what age they’ll be. There are just so many unknowns.” She said. “The people in your life are anxious too. They’re eager, and so it’s kind of like trying to respectfully tell them like, I will let you know when I know because you’re essentially going on with daily life like nothing has changed because it hasn’t other than you’re profile is live, you’ve made a decision, and at any moment your life could change.”
Renita explained, “You know, it’s like building a house. There is excitement when you break ground, get the design, and start the build. And then it’s that tension in the middle of, like, I’m over here, my money’s going over there, but I’m living in this place. And I want to get to that place, but it’s not the time. And then it’s the, okay, the house is done. And then it’s the pain of moving and all the transitions of going from this life to that life, and where do things fit now? That’s really what the whole experience is. That tension is real. Right after I went live, I bought a stroller system that could go up to three years of age, basically, from infant and with the car carrier. I didn’t intend to buy it, but it was like Nordstrom heard my thoughts, and I was like, cool. I just tucked it away. And then another purchase happened. Pottery Barn had this blue and green dresser, my favorite colors. I was like, boy, girl, whatever. Blue and green will be in that nursery.” she said jokingly. “But those were the only two things I had when I got the phone call: I was getting a baby. I didn’t expect the phone call so soon. I went live in May of 2021. I got the call in September of 2021. So mine was a matter of months. It was entirely unexpected, and because I was out of state, there was an added layer of ‘Do I get the house ready, or do I get everything ready to travel?’ You’re just caught again, like trying to make game-time decisions.”
In the adoption world, making an adoption plan and having the opportunity to have expecting and prospective families meet and get to know each other months before the baby’s arrival is ideal, but let’s be honest. Most of the time, it doesn’t happen that way. Placement is the hardest decision most birth parents ever make. And so, emergency placements occur often, leaving prospective adoptive parents to consider things like extended stays, safety, and little time to prepare.
That’s why having people in your world that you could talk to is also important—especially those who might understand or be able to give you good tips and advice—having to travel and consider staying in hotels for an extended amount of time can be helpful to have friendly reminders about what works or what is considered essential.
This adoption story is unique because not only did placement happen relatively quickly, despite what the adoptive mom was expecting, having adopted as a single parent, but this placement was also one of an older child, meaning the baby was a little bit older than infancy at the time of placement. We asked Renita what it had been like, and she was happy to share her experience.
“So my son was four months old, and it was interesting. I got the call on a Thursday, and at this point, you know, you’re just getting email updates. There’s no like phone call that comes through when you’re in that stage. So the fact that they were calling me, I was like, huh?” she mentioned.
“Monday, I scheduled to come in and meet the birth mom, and placement was scheduled for Tuesday. When we met, things were a little awkward at first. You’re in your head, mainly, because although it’s exciting for you, you’re also putting yourself in the shoes of the birth parent. You automatically want to temper that. What I did not anticipate was going back to the hotel that day with the baby. Birth mom was very comfortable with me taking my son overnight.”
Renita remembers having her friend rearrange her schedule to be there to support her on placement day. Which, in this case, was necessary because what was to come, Renita could not have prepared for. Sometimes in adoption planning, you may have a point where either the birth mom or birth dad changes their minds, and now the adoption cannot happen, which was almost the case for Renita. She recalled that excruciating moment.
“I just remember feeling like I’d just gotten comfortable holding this baby and caring for this child. You’ll be surprised how fast that bonding experience is. He is my son at this point to me. And now we’re not going forward with placement.”
Renita expressed the importance of having a support system regardless of whether or not you are adopting as a single parent or a couple. Big village or small, it doesn’t hurt to have somebody there to support you, especially during placement, because you don’t know what’s going to happen. Russell’s amazing bonding night with the baby boy was noted as a disruption. Where she imagined Tuesday being her signing day, it was not, and that was hard.
“It all worked out in the end,” she said. “I remained in Delaware for two weeks and remained in contact with the birth mom because she was struggling, and If they were deciding to step up, then I wanted to help.”
She continued, “Yes, you’re devastated and might be sad, but don’t turn your empathy off. Don’t get angry and get so focused on yourself that you put blinders on what might be happening with the other individuals involved. Eventually, things ended with my son being placed with me, officially, in November. But, I believe it worked out because of my ability to see past my feelings and my own hurt and try to understand the perspective of both the birth mom and the birth father, which allowed for lines of communication.”
In discussing lasting advice, Renita expressed how essential it is to prepare your mind and heart for things not going as planned. Knowing everything that she knows now, she made it known that she would one hundred percent do it again. “I would just encourage people not to let the fear of loss keep you from love and loving. I had to tell myself if I was only meant to love this child for that one night. And to hold him that one night, then I will cherish that one night for the rest of my life. And I will keep him in my heart, and I will continue on this journey. I had to make peace with that,” she said.
Renita made mention that because of that emotional aspect of her placement, she feels, in some ways, it made her and her birth mom closer in the sense that they chose to remain in contact and understand that it wasn’t just about wanting a child but rather showing care and support also. “I think the challenging part was when we finally got to placement, and I watched a coldness come over her when we went to sign the papers. It had almost been like this pressure cooker for those months after the disruption, and so because the process was drug out so much longer, it made that moment that much harder for her.
She added, “As much as our journeys are connected, they were also separate. And that was something I was wrestling with and trying to figure out. I remain in contact and send pictures and updates, but I know she’s still on a healing journey. However, I left that door open. I always want to do my part to keep the lines of communication open, especially for my son’s sake, so he always has an opportunity to know where he came from, to know his siblings, and if there’s an opportunity to meet.”
One thing we know about children is that they are resilient. It is us that struggle with change more than we realize. Becoming a parent through adoption is not an easy way. Blocking communication will not wipe the slate clean, and it can sometimes be overwhelming and stimulating. As Renita mentioned, it is such a lengthy process. However, as an adoptive parent, you quickly, sometimes in a few hour span, get a call about a possible placement, and next thing you know, you’re a parent. You mourn the life you once had, too, but that is okay. That is normal. Let go of the guilt of that.
“It’s okay to be overwhelmed. It’s okay to feel like I’m failing at work. I’m failing at home. My house used to be organized, but now it’s a mess. The laundry’s piled. It’s okay because it’s a transition, and you’re trying to figure it out. You may know how to operate in one season, but if you’ve never been in another, you don’t know what to do.”
She added, “Extend yourself some grace and know that your feelings and emotions don’t make you a horrible parent. You might miss a happy hour, but I have other things now that bring me joy, but I can still miss that. And, I think as adoptive parents, we carry that guilt of those feelings a lot harder because we made this choice and went through so much to become a parent that we almost feel like we don’t have a right to feel those things. I would say you 100% do. Extend yourself grace.”
Thank you again to Renita. On behalf of Adoptions From The Heart, we would like to thank you for speaking with us about your experience as an adoptive mother! We truly admire you and wish you nothing but the absolute best as your beautiful family’s story continues.
For more amazing stories like Renita’s, be sure to visit our website.
