People often assume that the adoption journey ends once a judge grants the adoptive parents custody of the child. However, contrary to popular belief, adoption can be a lifelong journey. While legally, this may be where the journey “ends,” this is where the emotional journey truly seems to begin.
Respecting the feelings of all parties involved.
An open adoption is “an adoption which allows for something form of association between the birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents.” This association can range from sending pictures and letters, to phone calls, to in-person meetings. The critical factor in this journey regarding open adoption is the openness to communication and transparency. It is essential to understand that while open adoption can be beautiful, it may not always proceed as ideally as all parties involved may imagine.
In the adoption triad, it is crucial to understand that each party is subject to their thoughts and feelings about the situation. While the adoptive parent and adoptee may be able to easily communicate due to their proximity, it is important to also to include the birth parent in this conversation. This can be simply acknowledging their personal circumstances.
So how does an adoptive parent discuss this with an adoptee?
First, the adoptive parent needs to recognize that not all birth parents will automatically be in a place to actively participate and interact with the adoptee and their parents. It’s important to know that this is normal and to affirm the birth parent of their feelings and emotions. They may be struggling with the emotions of the decision they made, mental illness, addiction, financially, or even physically.
It’s also essential for the adoptive parents to recognize, and share with the adoptee, if necessary, that participation of the birth parent during the open adoption may be inconsistent as they go through the ups and downs of their own life. This inconsistency does not take away from the love the birth parent feels toward the adoptee. It’s important to remind the adoptee of this. Their birth parent loved them enough to choose adoption to ensure they have the happiest and most loving life with their forever family.
Regardless of the status of the birthparents’ involvement, adoptive parents should focus on the good rather than the bad of the situation. They should avoid talking bad about the birth parents. Instead, use positive regard when discussing their decision to choose adoption.
When is the appropriate time to have these conversations?
As the adoptee grows and has questions, it is essential for the adoptive parents to continuously create a safe and open space. The adoptee should feel open to discuss their birth story and ask any questions that may come up. While the adoptive parents do not have to answer questions in great detail if circumstances are complicated, it is important to provide an answer fitting the question. Reassure the adoptee that they are loved. Not only their adoptive parents, but their birth parents as well.
It is essential to recognize that open adoptions are an ongoing process. They may not always be the easiest of situations but can be extremely rewarding for the entire adoption triad. If you ever have any questions about the specifics of dealing with questions birth parents and their involvement, always feel free to reach out to AFTH at afth.org
