Adoptions From The Heart interviewed a married, waiting couple, Evie and Adam, who were gracious enough to share their story with the goal of providing hope, comfort, and support for many others also facing infertility.
Infertility Defined
When Evie and Adam agreed to have a family, they assumed that dream would be a reality within a year of trying. Years of trying to conceive, both naturally and through IUI and fertility medications, resulted in no pregnancies. They are not alone in this outcome. According to the 2015 Reproductive Endocrinology Report, around 48.5 million couples around the world experience infertility. Infertility is typically defined as the inability to conceive after a year of trying.
Reproduction is a complicated process, and so many things need to happen for a pregnancy to occur. Infertility can occur for several reasons. Fertility Answers states, “30% of infertility cases can be solely attributed to the female, 30% can be attributed to the male, 30% can be attributed to a combination of both partners, and 10% of cases have an unknown cause.” There are so many factors that affect the likelihood of a pregnancy, and some of the time, the cause for infertility is unknown. This was the case for Evie and Adam.
Suspecting Complications
Like many couples, Adam and Evie tried to naturally conceive a child. When the couple consistently found themselves not pregnant month after month, they looked to try anything that would increase their chances. They found themselves looking for specific vitamins and scrutinizing their already healthy diets. After six months of actively trying, the couple suspected there was a problem. Once the one-year mark came around, they found a fertility doctor and went through all the necessary tests, which pointed them to unexplained infertility. This is the term used when doctors can’t find a medical reason why a couple hasn’t been able to conceive.
The Unexplained Infertility Diagnosis
Adam found himself incredibly frustrated with a “diagnosis that’s almost a lack of diagnosis” because it didn’t answer their questions of why they couldn’t conceive a child. They agreed that the “not knowing” aspect of it took a toll. Evie learned through all the meetings and testing just how complicated conceiving a child is because, before that, she never needed to know the intricate ins and outs of the whole process. It felt daunting knowing how there were so many ways the process could result in no child. Comfort came from knowing how common unexplained infertility is and that they were not an outlier.
Together the couple took the diagnosis and did not dwell or place blame anywhere. It would be easy to sit down and mull over all the possibilities of what was going wrong for them, but they knew nothing beneficial would come out of it. Adam admitted he wanted to know what could be going wrong, but he made an important point that he wanted to know for peace of mind, so he could finally stop wondering.
A Tight Support System
As a private couple, they kept most of their journey a secret. They didn’t tell their family and most of their friends they were trying for a baby. Evie thought it would be fun to surprise everyone with pregnancy news. So, Evie and Adam kept trying and kept their struggle a secret. They felt their support for each other was enough. Having open communication just between them felt right. 
Evie and Adam’s families didn’t know they were trying to have a child until the couple made an announcement that they had decided to adopt. It felt easier to have an all-in-one conversation about everything they went through and were still going through. By doing it this way, the couple alleviated prying questions and the need for progress updates about trying to conceive a child. Unexplained infertility was hard enough for them to unpack without having to explain the lack of answers to more people.
Evie and Adam admit their methods seem a bit unorthodox, and they know keeping their challenges a secret wouldn’t work for everyone. They recommend people share with their trusted circles if that’s what feels right for them. Having a support group without judgment makes a difference. For them, they held off telling their parents because of the generational differences. In previous generations, infertility was talked about even less. The solution was commonly thought to be hard work and a can-do attitude, which would’ve been disheartening to hear. People find it hard to understand infertility until they must, until it is something affecting their lives first-hand.
Hardest Part of Infertility
Years of trying to conceive a child began to weigh on the couple. The continual loop of trying and hoping for a different result to no avail made them feel powerless. Adam found a deep connection with the Einstein quote, “insanity is the definition of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.” Not knowing if they would get lucky and defy the odds stacked against them with their diagnosis made them anxious and uncertain what their future would hold. Adam grappled with the breaking of their preconceived notions of what their life would look like.
Healing after the Diagnosis
Evie stated that adoption allowed them to feel a sense of control again. Their goal was always to expand their family, and adoption would get them to that goal, just as conceiving a child would. The feeling of hopelessness that came with the diagnosis was real, and Adam said thoughts like, “why is this happening,” frequently occurred. After some time, they realized their constant cycling wasn’t working or feeling beneficial. Feeling grief was necessary, but they moved on very quickly since they knew there were still options. To them, their goal never altered. They grieved their path changed but were thankful they could still achieve their dream of a bigger family.
Considering Adoption Even Before Their Unexplained Infertility Diagnosis
As a couple, they knew they wanted to have kids by any means possible. When they started seriously dating, they confirmed to one another they wanted children. Before they began trying, they also talked about the possibility of not being able to conceive and agreed that adoption felt like a natural option along their journey to parenthood. The couple did consider IVF, but after an informational meeting with a fertility doctor, they ultimately decided it wasn’t the right path to expand their family.
Evie and Adam came full circle eight years after that conversation; they dealt with fertility complications and ultimately chose adoption. They agreed by having that conversation all those years ago, it made the mental and emotional transition of expanding their family through conception to expanding their family through adoption that much easier.
To them, adoption was never a last resort or a backup. It was an alternate route they had always considered for themselves. Knowing family members and friends who adopted or were adopted comforted the couple. Adoption did not have the same stigmas in their circles as they might in others. Once they told their friends and family they were adopting, people began sharing their own connections with adoption. Having that support and shared connection made them feel more comfortable and secure in their decision. To hear those close to them had such touching stories about adoption, it reaffirmed what they already felt about expanding through adoption.
Moving Forward with Adoption
About two years ago, the couple knew it was time to shift their mindsets away from getting pregnant. They gave themselves a timeframe of when they were going to officially stop trying to conceive and move towards adoption. Many people have tried over the years to convince them they could still conceive a child. However, the couple felt that holding on to that mindset wouldn’t have been beneficial to them. When the time came, they continued with their new plan and never second-guessed if they made the right decision. In 2020, the couple began their waiting period with Adoptions From The Heart.
Many people think of adoption as this journey with so many unknowns along the way, but to Adam and Evie, it felt more concrete and secure than their journey to have a child through conception. With adoption, they know, without a doubt, they will have a child by the end of the process; whereas, through trying to conceive a baby, they never had that certainty. Once they started the adoption process, the sense of direction that it provided them felt stabilizing.
Advice for People Struggling with Infertility
Evie’s advice is to think of your own needs and wants and stick to them. If you want advice then seek it out, but always listen to yourself. She said, “it’s very emotionally taxing to think about all the what-ifs and the whys that you experience with infertility.” The unsolicited advice and misplaced encouragement to continue trying to become pregnant aren’t helpful. Typically, this advice comes from people that never had any fertility complications themselves. So, they can’t understand why that advice would be hurtful. It can be confusing once you’ve decided to choose another path to then look back and wonder if you chose right. Evie said the best thing you can do is “stick to your guns and don’t let anyone dissuade you.”
Adam’s advice is, “don’t blame yourselves because you can do all the things that are recommended, and it might not be your fault. It might be out of your control and sitting there and blaming yourself or sitting there wondering what else you can do—there might not be anything you can do. And you might never know. Turning that inward on yourself just isn’t helpful.” He also recommended being on the same page as your partner. Open communication goes a long way. You’re on the journey together. So, it’s important to both agree when you decide to end the journey and stop trying to conceive a child. Being clear about your wants and needs is incredibly important.
What They Wish They Had Known Earlier
Accepting Others Struggle Too
Evie wishes she had known to be more accepting of those struggling with infertility for a shorter amount of time than she. To grapple with infertility, a person doesn’t have to struggle to conceive for a specific amount of time in order to be considered valid. She and Adam have tried for years, and she knows friends who have tried for several months. The timing doesn’t matter. Experiences shouldn’t be diminished just because one group has been trying for longer than another.
Evie listened to people expressing their frustrations with not being able to get pregnant. She’d feel frustrated because she tried even longer than they had. It took time for her to be able to untangle her own feelings and frustrations and understand that everyone has their own experiences. They shouldn’t be diminished or discredited because they are not exactly the same as her own. She feels that as a woman it’s important to be kind to other women no matter how long they have been struggling with infertility.
Being Informed
Adam wishes more people knew that infertility is a spectrum. Some people may have complications that make it difficult but not impossible to have a child. Whereas, other people may never be able to have a child. People need to be more sensitive that having a child isn’t as easy for some as it is for others. Adam said, “I think if people knew how complicated that process is and that it is fragile, there would be a lot more acceptance of infertility.” When a person understands the complexity of the process, then it’s easier to understand when it doesn’t work.
Adam warns against falling into the rabbit hole of internet tips. It’s very easy to try and find little things, like vitamins for example. You convince yourself it might be the one thing that makes a difference. Then, when that fails, you find something else to put all your hope into. That cycle can be very damaging to your mental and emotional health. It’s important to understand when things are out of your control and what is best for you on your journey. All infertility journeys are different. Evie feels proud and grateful they have maintained their positivity during this process despite the hardships. After everything they have been through, Evie and Adam continue to look forward to their future, waiting for that call to say they are one step closer to the family of their dreams.
To view Evie and Adam’s Adoption Profile, click here.
To listen to AFTH’s podcast on infertility, click here.
