Mother’s Day as a Birthmother
For most people, Mother’s Day is a time to celebrate the women who raised them and gave them life. For others, women like myself, Mother’s Day can be polarizing. Although birth mothers have our own special day now (Birth Mother’s Day, the Saturday before Mother’s Day), the loss of our motherhood can still hit us hard. Sometimes the grief of placement can override what is a happy day for most.
For the first few years after I placed my son, I was unsure how to feel. I wanted to celebrate his mother, a woman who I care for very deeply. I wanted to acknowledge her for being an amazing mother to our son, because she deserved it. But I wasn’t sure how to celebrate one person’s motherhood while still coming to terms with my own. It’s been four years since I placed and I still don’t feel like Henry’s mother. I never did. I removed myself so far from the situation that it was a non-factor for me. I may not feel like a mother, but I know that I am one. I am not his mother like Amanda is his mother, but I still carry the title.
Because of this, I never celebrated Mother’s Day. I never felt like I deserved it. I have tried to distance myself far from Mother’s Day, it just doesn’t feel like it’s ‘my’ holiday. It’s for Amanda, the woman who is elbow deep in parenting. I know there are many birth mothers who disagree, and there are many birth mothers who know how to mourn the loss of their motherhood while still celebrating it. I’m not one of those birth mothers.
It doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad when Mother’s Day makes it rounds, because I do wonder all the time what my life would be like if I had chosen to parent. I wonder if I would get crafts made by Henry’s small hands. I wonder if my son’s birth father would celebrate me with him. I wonder a lot of things, and there’s still a part of me that wants those things. But the bigger part of me, the unselfish part of me, is glad that Amanda has those things. My love for their family, the family I had a part in creating, outweighs anything else.
Even if I were to celebrate, I’m not sure how I would. Making an adoption plan, changed my life. It made me a better person, and gave me the push I needed to make better choices. I would not change my experience for anything. But at the core, adoption is about loss and I’m not sure how I could counter balance the loss with the happiness to celebrate.
Which is my biggest struggle with my own adoption path. I often second guess and doubt my own feelings. Sometimes I have to take a step back from talking to my son’s parents because I don’t know how to balance being sad for myself, while being happy for them. I never want my own issues to make them think I for one second doubt my decision. I don’t want my sadness, and guilt to taint how happy I am that they are my son’s parents. I feel guilty talking to other birth parents because I don’t feel like my pain can match theirs. I feel guilty because my experience is overwhelmingly positive while many other of my fellow birth moms struggle.
The first two years after placing my son, all I could feel was guilt on Mother’s Day. The guilt overpowered anything else I could possibly feel. I couldn’t get over the feeling that I was abandoning Henry, that one day he would grow to resent me for it. That I did some kind of damage that he would never be able to overcome. Those thoughts always lurked on the back of my mind, and still do occasionally, but they came out full force on the days that I was supposed to be celebrating the beautiful boy I had part in making.
It was only after years of therapy and seeing first hand through open adoption, how much my son was thriving, that I was able to come to terms with my guilt, and anger at myself. I still feel inklings of guilt, and confusion, but it’s nowhere as overwhelming as it once was. I credit it to my great therapist, my son’s amazing parents, and my case worker who literally saved my life.
Soon after placing, I found out about Birth Mother’s Day, which unless you are actively involved in adoption, most people don’t know about. I didn’t feel right celebrating Mother’s Day, but maybe Birth Mother’s Day could be my thing. Maybe I could, maybe not celebrate, but acknowledge all the complications that came along with being someone who placed a child.
Besides going to a birth mom retreat around Birth Mother’s Day (that AFTH so graciously sponsored for me to go), I have never celebrated Birth Mother’s Day either. The idea of celebrating myself seemed silly. I have never felt brave, or selfless or any of those identifying words that often come up when discussing birth moms, so to try and praise myself for doing something that felt so instinctual to me was too much.
Every adoption journey is different and there’s no clear cut answer to anything. Ask the birth mom in your life how and when she wants to celebrate. Maybe she wants to go out for brunch, and get a card in the mail from her child and their parents. Maybe she just wants a hug. Or maybe, like me, she just wants the day to pass as any other day. Not all birth moms are the same, we don’t all want the same thing. We are all very different, and before going on a spending spree, communicate and find out how that birth mom would like to spend the day.
As for every Mother’s Day since I placed Henry, I will celebrate by writing his mom a nice email, and taking a long moment for myself. Maybe I will treat myself to buying a new bottle of nail polish. I won’t expect cards, or flowers, nor do I really want them. Amanda will probably make me cry when I hear from her, and that’s the best way I can think of celebrating.
Author: Kelsey, AFTH Birthmother
See what another birthmother says about Mother’s Day in this article!
