Adrian Collins is a birth mother and an adoptive mother. She also writes and speaks about the complexities of adoption and making peace with choices that bring heartache. When Adrian was in college, she became pregnant with her daughter. At the time, she was unable to provide for her, so she placed her for adoption.
As time went on, Adrian received letters and photos from her daughter’s adoptive parents, and she also visited her throughout the years. In the meantime, Adrian married her daughter’s birth father, had three boys of her own, and adopted a son. When Adrian’s daughter was a teenager, they began to spend more time together. When she turned 18, Adrian learned that her daughter’s adoptive parents were no longer supportive of their open relationship. Her daughter was forced to choose between the two families.
I, Diana Dopheide, Adoptions From The Heart’s PR & Marketing Intern, had the opportunity to speak with Adrian about her journey with re-adopting her daughter into their family.
AFTH: When your daughter was born, why did you choose to have a semi-open adoption as opposed to fully open or closed adoption?
Adrian: My daughter was born in 1996, and at that particular time, open adoption wasn’t as widely prevalent or common as it is today! For me, I chose a semi-open adoption plan because it initially provided a perfect balance of communication and privacy. In my grieving process, I realized that I needed adequate time and space to heal, and, in the beginning, frequent visits or open communication felt overwhelming and painful to me. However, I wanted to stay in touch with the adoptive parents and have insight into how my daughter was thriving in her new family. So, we agreed upon a certain number of letters and pictures for a few years post-placement. Even though it was bittersweet to receive these letters — it felt as though I were re-opening a raw wound with each letter/photo— I cherished each and every one and placed them inside a memory box.
AFTH: Did you think of your daughter often before you saw her again, and what emotions did you experience when you revisited your memory boxes?
Adrian: Honestly, there was never a time that I didn’t think about my daughter. She had a permanent place in my heart. Hundreds of seasons would come and go after I’d said goodbye to my daughter. As spring turned to summer, summer turned to fall, fall to winter, and winter returned to spring year after year, I pondered the moments I’d missed with my little girl. Watching her take her first steps. Pushing her on the swing set. Braiding her hair. Taking a walk in the park. Oftentimes, I would open the memory box, peer inside and re-read every letter and memorize every photograph of her. Sometimes I felt peace and joy while gazing at the photos, while other times I felt great sadness and heartache. Over time, my heart began to heal.
AFTH: When you had your other children after your daughter, what were the experiences like when you became pregnant again and went to deliver again?
Adrian: There was such a stark and strange contrast between my first pregnancy with my daughter and with that of subsequent birth. My first pregnancy was filled with anxiety and despair because I’d wanted to become a mother and to parent so badly, but realized I couldn’t provide everything that I wanted for my daughter. So, I didn’t want to give birth to her because I knew that if I did, I would have to say goodbye. It was a heartbreaking situation. On the contrary, I felt excitement and anticipation during my next pregnancy with my firstborn son. When I gave birth, memories of my daughter lurked all around. I lowered my eyes to my son and saw my daughter’s face. They were the splitting image of one another. Fear settled in as I wondered if my daughter was happy and loved completely. While I reveled in motherhood, I always felt that another child was missing.
AFTH: What was the experience like of becoming an adoptive mother?
Adrian: After having three boys, I began volunteering as a mentor to birth moms. One of the birth moms I mentored was a family friend who had encountered an unexpected pregnancy. During one meeting, she turned to me and asked softly, “Will you adopt my baby boy?” My husband and I both wanted to expand our family and were nervously delighted to take on the role of adoptive parents. At first, I felt confident I could handle all the responsibilities that came with adoption since I’d made an adoption plan for my daughter years earlier. At the hospital, when his birth mother placed her son into my arms, I stared at him with both awe and wonder. But then questions of doubt began. Will I love him the same as my other children? Do I have enough love for everyone? I encountered post-adoption depression and didn’t tell anyone that I was struggling. Adoption was never meant to be a lonely road. Adoption was created for a myriad of individuals to work together in community for the sake of a child. I found the courage to seek help and gain the confidence to forge ahead. I realized that I was worthy, and called to be “mom” of my sweet boy. Today, we have a great, open-relationship with his birth mom whom I cherish and adore.
AFTH: Before re-adopting your daughter, did you ever feel any regret or sorrow?
Adrian: Most birth mothers experience feelings of regret and sorrow at some point along their adoption journey. For me, I encountered long seasons of loss and regret, especially since I’d always dreamed of being a mom one day and couldn’t provide the kind of life my baby deserved at the time of her adoption. So, there were definite ebbs and flows of regret and hope, of sorrow and peace, and of heart ache and healing over the years.
AFTH: How often did you visit your daughter before re-adopting her?
Adrian: I had two brief visits with my daughter when she was six months old, and again when she was six years of age. When I first visited my six-month-old daughter at the home of her adoptive parents, the experience was devastating. I was smack dab in the middle of the grieving process and it was excruciating for me to watch another set of parents hold and comfort my daughter when it couldn’t be me. Leaving their house was like reliving leaving the hospital without my daughter. I knew my heart wasn’t ready for regular visits or communication. The second visit that occurred six years later was still difficult but easier to navigate emotions. Because my daughter and her adoptive parents were in town for a weekend visit, we all agreed to meet at a local botanical garden. I remember waiting outside the entrance gate with my husband and son, biting my lip in nervous anticipation of seeing her. Would I recognize her? Would she like me? When I saw her, I marveled at the resemblance between her and her brother. The day was beautiful and heartbreaking all at once. I made a conscious effort to push aside any thoughts of raising my son and daughter together, fearing I’d crumble onto the cement if I entertained the fantasy for too long. When we said goodbye, I remember getting in the car, burying my head in my knees and sobbing. I thought: I just can’t say another goodbye. My heart can’t take it.
AFTH: How old were your sons when they first met your daughter? How much did they know about her at the time?
Adrian: A few weeks after adopting our son, the phone rang. It was my twelve-year-old daughter. After all these years, she hadn’t forgotten about me. When she asked if she could meet me in person, my heart was filled with joy. At the time, my boys were ages 8, 6, 3 and 4 weeks old and I hadn’t disclosed that they’d had a sister out of fear, shame and guilt. For years, I was terrified that my own children would be disappointed in me and view me as a failure. I decided it was time to tell the truth. I gathered the boys into my room and shook as I showed them a picture of their sister. All of them smiled and said how cool it was to finally have a sister! It was so profound to me that they didn’t flinch, yell at me, or say “How could you, mom?” They just demonstrated this notion of simple acceptance. It dawned on me, “If they can show acceptance…what can’t I accept myself? What am I teaching my children if I want life to look and feel perfect all the time? Our kids are imperfect and they need an imperfect mom to lead them into a healthy adulthood.
AFTH: When you spent time with your daughter at ages 13, 16 and 17, how were the experiences? Did you feel like you were able to bond with her?
Adrian: We had wonderful experiences with our daughter during those precious times! She spent a weekend with our family and baked a cake with her younger brother. The siblings all swam in the pool, splashed each other and laughed together. Her and I went shopping and got pedicures together. Her grandparents doted on her and shared stories of their childhood. We took a family road trip to New Orleans where the boys introduced her to beignets and jazz. My husband and I talked about her adoption as we cried together and held one another. Those moments with her were wonderful and we were able to bond and grow closer.
AFTH: How did your daughter’s adoptive parents communicate that they were no longer supportive of your relationship?
Adrian: After our daughter enrolled in college, and her relationship with our family had grown closer, we learned that everything changed for our daughter. Over several phone calls, we learned that her adoptive parents were no longer supportive of her relationship with us. She’d been instructed to choose between her birth family and her adoptive family. There was no in-between or chance of negotiation.
AFTH: What was your daughter’s reaction to when her adoptive parents said they had to choose between them or you? What was that experience like for her?
Adrian: While I cannot speak for my daughter, I can say that it was a difficult and heart breaking experience for her, my husband and myself, and I will continue to support and walk alongside her in this journey.
AFTH: Did your daughter still communicate with you at the time?
Adrian: Yes, we had several open and honest conversations with my daughter, as well as the adoptive parents during that time.
AFTH: What went through your mind when your daughter’s adoptive parents said she had to choose?
Adrian: I was completely taken aback and baffled by the adoptive parents’ change of heart and immediately got on the phone, pleading with them to consider all of us a vital part of our daughter’s life. But they wouldn’t budge, removing all financial support from our daughter and stating they regretted the adoption altogether. They turned their backs on my daughter and disowned her. I felt betrayed. I had entrusted my daughter to them and now they’d abandoned her. The pain of watching my daughter endure loss was almost as unbearable as the day I left the hospital without her.
AFTH: Did they ever explain why they had a sudden change of heart?
Adrian: No, not an answer that I truly understand, even to this day. Looking back, I believe that adoption awareness was lacking on both sides of our adoption experience. I truly believe that ethical and adequate adoption education is vital in creating a honest, ongoing relationship between adoptive parents and birth parents. Adoption is a life-long commitment, and there is ample room for both adoptive parents and birth parents to love a child.
AFTH: What was your initial reaction when your husband suggested you re-adopt her?
Adrian: Honestly, I was hesitant at first because I was hopeful that the adoptive parents would have a change of heart and realize that we all could be a part of her life without making such a drastic change. But, that didn’t happen. I had two choices. I could take a step back and watch things unfold from a safe distance..or I could move in closer. As her birth mom, I’d promised to give her the best life possible and would do anything to make that happen. While I couldn’t provide for her at birth, I would grasp at the chance to take care of her as an adult.
AFTH: How long did the process take when you re-adopted her?
Adrian: We took our time and didn’t rush the process to ensure that all parties were ready and willing to move forward with a re-adoption. We spent several months in prayer, and with professional guidance to make sure that we were making the best decision for our daughter and for our family.
AFTH: Have you had any contact with the adoptive parents since they turned their backs?
Adrian: At this time, we have not had much contact, however, we continue to pray for them and encourage a healthy relationship between them and our daughter. We recognize that they raised her for eighteen years and do not undermine or dismiss their parenting or love provided over the years.
AFTH: What is your relationship like with your other adopted child and how has that differed from your daughter’s?
Adrian: The relationship with my adopted son’s birth mom is vastly different in part because of my experience with my daughter’s adoptive parents and the stark realization of the importance to create a loving and open relationship between birth families and adopted families. As I mentioned before, adoption is a life-long commitment and, as an adoptive parent, we should do everything in our power to create a sustainable and nurturing relationship with a child’s birth family. Adoption is not about the adoptive parent—it IS all about an adopted child. And what benefits an adopted child is beautiful, healthy relationships with many family members. Because of that knowledge, I try (although I’m not perfect) to encourage visits, ongoing communication between my sweet son and his beautiful and loving birth mom. He is OURS after all. He loves seeing his birth mom, where they laugh and share stories with one another. We are thrilled to celebrate his half-sister’s birthday in a few months, where my son can spend time with his aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins.
AFTH: What inspired you to share your story with others and write about being both a birth mother and an adoptive mother?
Adrian: I started asking myself these questions: What kind of legacy do I want to leave behind? How can I make an impact based on my experiences? Where am I meant to inspire others and touch lives? I held onto my core principles of choosing love over fear, choosing grace over guilt and shame, and embracing my imperfections. I’ve spent time in reflection about my decision to make an adoption plan and become an adoptive mom. Did everything turn out as planned? Not always. Sometimes we have to take steps of faith without seeing the whole picture. We can only do what we think is best at a particular time in life. I can’t dwell on the “What ifs.” I can only embrace the journey and discover how I was changed because of it. I grew in strength, perseverance, confidence and courage that led me to an unexpected and beautiful reunion with my daughter, and love-filled relationship with my son. I’ve given myself an extra measure of grace when things didn’t turn out the way I thought. I learned there are new mercies each morning. I’ve watched beauty come from ashes.
