What Does it Mean to Be a Good Father?
“Being a good father is being devoted, mentally and physically and emotionally…being devoted to your actual kid and not what’s going on in the outside world.” To Josh, being a good father doesn’t mean showing up and just taking his kid to a game if he’s sad. A good father is available more than just physically. Good fathers are able to connect mentally and emotionally. Simply put, a good father is devoted to his child.
Preparing to Become a Father
Josh received the biggest shock of his life when he found out he would be a father at the young age of 14 years old. His whole life and all of his previous life decisions rushed through his head. Josh’s number one concern became how he would provide for this child and how he would give the kid more than he had growing up. School and work felt trivial compared to the knowledge that he would soon be responsible for a tiny, human life.
For the first time in his life, he started to think like a man rather than the boy he had been. To change his kid’s life for the better, he recognized he would have to change his own life first.
Turning to Adoption
After months of stressing and trying to formulate a plan, Josh felt no more prepared by the birth of his son than when he found out about the pregnancy. On the day of his son’s birth, he took the money he’d been paid that day, about $200-300, and went directly to Babies-R-Us, and spent every cent on supplies for his baby.
As he drove to the hospital with all his baby items, a hard realization dawned on him. At 15 years old, $200 always felt like a lot of money. It was a whole week’s worth of his time and energy. Now that he spent his entire paycheck on baby supplies, he saw just how little that money would get him. With the sickening realization, he thought to himself, “I’m going to ruin this kid’s life. What I can provide is not going to be good enough.” He remembered his life on the streets, what he saw, what he did, the decisions he made. Josh realized he would get no support in his own life.
Once he got to the hospital, he and his child’s mother agreed the best decision they could make for their child would be to find a family who couldn’t have kids and wanted to adopt. Josh thought, “there’s somebody out there that’s going to give this kid a hundred times better life than I could probably give him.” Comforted by the thought his child helped complete another family, Josh asked to see families looking to adopt.
Moving Forward with Adoptions From The Heart
The doctors recommended Adoptions From The Heart, so Josh and his son’s mother flipped through a couple of AFTH’s catalogs of waiting families until they found the perfect one. The family they chose already adopted a child and had a good background. At first, Josh worried his son wouldn’t be well cared for by a family. But as soon as an adoption counselor came in and explained what adoption and open adoption was, he felt much more secure. A weight lifted off his shoulders.
When the adoptive parents came to the hospital, there was an instant connection. “It was a blessing meeting them and finding them and having them in my life and for them to take care of my child. It was a blessing.” Josh placed his son with that family in 2016.
Being a Father Changes Perception of Fatherhood
Growing up, Josh didn’t have many people he considered to be role models. On one side, his family was involved in drugs, and on the other, they were middle-class and were never around to support him. Once his son was born, he decided to distance himself from those who negatively impacted his life. He chose to work full-time to help himself and got himself off the streets. He turned his life around and started making more decisions he could be proud of. His life fell into perspective when he realized a person’s purpose could change any day. He wanted a plan for his future.
Josh cleared out everything in his life that didn’t serve his new mentality and goals. He moved to Florida and kept in touch with his two best friends, who were one of the few people who supported him in his adoption journey.
Josh’s Mindset as a Father
Today everything Josh does, he does with his son in mind:
I carry myself now, even though my son’s not with me, as if he is…I still want to make him proud. I still don’t want to be that guy where he looks back, and he’s like, why did you do this? I don’t want to have him look at my life and be like, oh, this is why. He’s a bum and stuck in the streets. Just because he’s not with me doesn’t mean he can’t see that kind of stuff.
Josh carries himself how he believes a father should. He goes to work, pays his bills, and tries to have a plan if he is ever put in this situation again. Living how he is now, Josh believes if another unplanned pregnancy occurs, he will be able to do everything he wanted to do for his first son. Josh feels he doesn’t have his son partly because of his age and because of the situations he was putting himself in. In retrospect, he sees things he could have done differently to have been more prepared. Josh having a child changed how he perceived his whole life, not just how he understood fatherhood.
Sharing Father’s Day
Josh enjoys sharing Father’s Day with his son’s adoptive father. He knows not all birth fathers may feel the same as he does. He partially feels responsible for helping his son’s adoptive father fulfill his wish to be a father. Without placing his son for adoption, the adoptive father would have one less kid to celebrate with. Helping another family be complete brings joy and comfort to Josh.
Josh loves knowing his son has a father to celebrate each Father’s Day with, someone who will always be there for him and who will build long-lasting memories. He loves that his son’s adoptive father loves his son and his son loves his adoptive father; he loves that they’re a family. As much as he wishes he could be with his son, Josh enjoys every second he spends with him. Josh and his son spent time together a couple of days ago, and spending that time together felt like the greatest Father’s Day gift. His son gets to celebrate two Father’s Days, which is exciting for his son. Josh is grateful and happy and appreciative that someone out there gives his son a special Father’s Day. He also is glad his son is making his adoptive father’s day special as well.
Favorite Memory as a Father
Josh immediately knew his favorite memory of his son. His favorite is changing his son’s diaper for the first time in the hospital right after he was born. He says:
My son’s mother was still in the bed, and she was trying to do everything. I remember telling her; I don’t want you doing nothing. I want you to relax. If you need something, you tell me. I remember the baby’s diaper needed to be changed, and then I got my son in my hands, and he’s got his little legs up in the air…it was just a really wholesome moment.
Josh admitted it’s a memory that brings tears to his eyes when he thinks back on that moment. It’s one of the happiest moments of his life. It will forever be one of the top moments in his life that he will never forget.
Advice for Birth Fathers
Josh advises birth fathers to keep their heads up and focus on the long run. The bad, hard times can come very easily. He warns against thinking short-term and constantly mourning the loss of your child. Dwelling on thoughts like that will eat a person up and keep them in a difficult place. Josh says in his personal experience, it helps to think of the long run. He thinks about what his son’s life will end up being vs. where his son would’ve ended up if he was never placed and knows he made the correct decision. Even though it hurts to not have his son with him all the time, the pain is worth it. He knows how good a life his son has. Josh said:
Thinking about the future helps me. Every time I think, man, I wish I had my son with me right now… and I would love to wake up and change his diaper and take him to daycare; I know it would mean a lot to me. But I think about when he’s 15, I know he’s probably going to be preparing for college. And I know I wouldn’t have him in that position. They’re preparing him, and I see him every year and see his progression. I see how they’re raising him and setting him up for life, and that’s the long run for me.
Thinking about his kid’s bright future keeps Josh from dwelling in grief and loss.
Advice for Adoptive Fathers
Make a connection and be appreciative. Many birth fathers, like Josh, feel like they’re giving up a massive piece of their life when they place their child for adoption. It makes a huge impact when Josh gets updates on how his son is doing. But also having a relationship with his son’s adoptive father is vital to him as well. When his son’s adoptive father reaches out and asks about Josh’s life and supports and encourages him, it makes a big difference.
Josh takes pride in bettering himself, and it feels good to have other people, especially the people raising his son, take notice. Josh wants his son to grow up and be proud of him, but he also wants the adoptive parents to see how placing his son for adoption changed his life for the better, too, that he took the opportunity adoption gave him to build a better life for himself. He wants them to see he took initiative in his life and didn’t squander the chance to be more.
When an adoptive parent shows their appreciation for a birth parent’s sacrifice and shows their support for the steps a birth parent takes to live a better life, it dramatically impacts the birth parent.
For another AFTH blog, click here.
