Why Adoption?
Caroline became pregnant during a difficult time in her life. She was already caring for her two young children, and then her mother passed away during the pregnancy. It was a time of loss and grief. Caroline remembers feeling lost and uncertain which way to turn. She didn’t have a close relationship with the rest of her family and never told them about her pregnancy. Caroline was alone on her journey. She took care of herself and her growing child as best as she could, but she felt when the time came, she wouldn’t be able to properly care for him. Like many birth mothers who choose adoption, she wanted to give her child a life she didn’t have the means to provide.
When she decided adoption was best for Michael, she opened the phonebook, went to the Yellow Pages, and found Adoptions From The Heart. It was the first name she saw and the only place she called. She spoke with Meredith, a social worker, who ended up becoming one of Caroline’s closest confidants.
Attitude Towards Adoption
Prior to placing, Caroline didn’t know anything about adoption. She chose AFTH because it was the first name she saw in the Yellow Pages and continued to work with them because of the close bond she created with her social worker. Despite not knowing much going into the adoption, 20 years later, she wouldn’t change her decision. She said, “I’m happy with the decision that I made. I have an open adoption, and I just think that it’s a blessing for everyone involved.” She chose an open adoption, wanting to have pictures and updates throughout the year on her son. The family she chose for her son had no other siblings, and she liked the idea that he would have their undivided attention. However, when her son turned about 5 years old, updates and photos ceased.
An Unlikely Reunion
Fortunately, updates from the adoptive family did eventually start back up. When Michael turned about 14 or 15, Caroline was told he was aware of his adoption and understood it; however, he was not ready to have a direct relationship with her. She made peace with this, as well as she could, and didn’t want to push him. This saddened her as she hoped all her children would know each other one day. Her other children knew about Michael and were deeply curious about him. It wasn’t until Michael’s 18th birthday that she learned the true reason for the lack of communication.
Michael still didn’t know he was adopted.
On Michael’s 18th birthday, her children contacted him, introducing themselves as his brothers and sister. Michael went along with it, thinking it was a joke. As the conversation progressed, the siblings convinced him they really were his birth family. Michael learned he was adopted through text messages. Despite her children breaking the news, Caroline still felt it was too early to speak with him. She wanted him to come to her when he took the time to process the news. And eventually, he did.
When they finally spoke, Caroline shared with him the 12-page letter she wrote him when he was born. Luckily, despite the messy way Michael found out his origins, he accepted Caroline and her decision to place him for adoption. There was no anger or resentment; however, he was hurt he never knew the truth until he turned 18.
Having an Adult Son Who’s Adopted
Caroline loves her son Michael. He grew up to be an amazing individual, in her opinion. “He’s doing big things in life. I’m very proud of the way his parents raised him. They did a great job with him; I couldn’t ask for anything better.” Now that he is an adult, the two are in frequent contact, texting each other. They talk as if they’ve always been together.
Taking the relationship slow and keeping the conversations light and pressure-free makes Caroline and Michael feel secure. “We’re still working on it. We are taking it one day at a time.” If the topic of adoption gets brought up, it is because Michael initiates the conversation. She feels more than willing to answer all his questions but only once he feels secure and ready.
Meeting Michael In-Person
Her life-long dream was finally realized when all four of her children met after 21 years. Together, the family went to Great Adventure and enjoyed the day. Caroline reunited with Michael for the first-time since she placed him with his adoptive parents. However, her two sons drove to New Jersey two days prior to spend extra time with their brother Michael. She loves the bond her boys formed as if they’d grown up together: “He just fit right in like we were never apart. They (her sons) are all alike; they all get along; it was just all love.” On a following trip, Caroline’s daughter went along with her grandchildren. It was a giant family reunion, a reunion, at one point, she thought she might never get.
Michael’s Siblings
Caroline’s children knew about Michael their whole lives. Every update she received from his adoptive parents she shared with her children. They grew up playing him in their local sports which felt strange as they all knew who he was, and he had no idea he was playing his biological brothers in baseball.
As children, the siblings didn’t have a great urge to reach out to connect with Michael. However, as time went on, the pull to get to know him grew. They imagined all the different ways they would find him and introduce themselves and how the reunion would go, not knowing he had no idea any of them ever existed. Caroline loved that her children wanted to know Michael so badly but reminded them they had to wait until he turned 18 before making any sort of connection. No matter how long the wait felt, it was important to her that her wishes and the adoptive parents’ wishes were respected.
Why She Stayed Involved with AFTH
Adoption is a difficult process to go through, and the hard emotions don’t end once all the papers are signed. Birth mothers always carry that loss with them. In that period when Caroline stopped getting updates on Michael, she felt incredibly upset. Her support system at home included people who cared deeply for her but would never understand what she was going through. She turned to Meredith, her social worker who helped her place Michael and drove her to the hospital to give birth.
Meredith understood how she was feeling as a professional in the adoption community but also as a confidant. They worked through that hard period together. Even to this day, Caroline sees her as a friend, therapist, and great supporter. She said, “Adoptions From The Heart helped me because I didn’t have anyone to talk to about the adoption. So, it was like my therapy. Everybody was so great and made sure that I was good throughout the years.”
Supporting Other Birth Mothers
Every year, Caroline and her husband host an event and donate the proceeds to a different cause. This past July, Caroline chose to send the proceeds from her event to AFTH’s Expecting and Birth Parent Fund. Caroline spoke on her experience with the fund:
“Being a birth mom, I know the struggle of ‘my kids need winter coats, and I can’t afford it.’ I know for a fact from previous experience that I can call and say ‘hey, I need a little help’…and this is 10 years down the road, and the support is still there.”
Caroline says asking for help can feel hard or embarrassing, but AFTH didn’t make her feel uncomfortable or judged in any way. Now she wants to be able to support fellow birth mothers by donating to the fund that helped her all those years ago.
Important Lessons
“For prospective adoptive parents, be completely honest. When we (birth mothers) are going through the adoption process, it’s a big sacrifice. We are relying on people to be honest. When things change, it’s a lot to take in as a human being. Speak about what your needs and wants are. We are placing our child with you. Be honest and ask as many questions as you need.”
“For birth moms, utilize the agency. Don’t ever feel alone. Whether it’s 5-10 years from now, make sure you’re reaching out to your person (in the agency). My person was Meredith, still is to this day. Reach out. Communicate.”
To hear more birth mother stories, go to our next Heart-To-Heart Event.
To support our birth parents like Caroline, go to our donation site.
