When you begin any life-altering event, such as adoption, you are faced with many fears.
Your fears may be in the moment, and completely understandable, or stem from a lack of education on adoption. Admitting your fears of being an adoptive parent does not mean you are weak. It just means that you are human.
Overcoming Common Adoption Fears
In this article, we’ll cover some of the fears we often hear from hopeful adoptive parents and help you work through them.
“I couldn’t love another mother’s child the way I would love my own.”
Most adoptive parents will tell you from experience: Love is love.
“One day he will tell me he wants to live with his birthmother.”
Let’s start out by acknowledging that children, especially teenagers, have a tendency to say things they do not mean. Most of the time when they say these things, it is very hurtful. But remember, your child is probably speaking in a moment of anger, of intense emotion, not out of an actual desire.
Dreading hearing your child say things out of anger that cut you to the bone is normal for every parent in the world, biological or not.
“What if the birth parents decide to parent after placement but before the relinquishment of rights?”
The best way to face this fear is to understand that it is a possibility, then take steps to decrease the chances of it actually happening. Using an adoption agency who counsels expectant parents is the safest way to decrease these chances.
By acknowledging that this could happen, you can better prepare yourself in the event that it does happen. It is also important to speak with your agency to gather accurate statistics on the likelihood of it actually happening and not just rely on what you see in the news and on Lifetime movies.
“Open adoption means the birth parents will know where I live and can come by the house whenever and expect to have a say in how I raise my child.”
This fear stems from a lack of adoption knowledge. First of all, open adoption can take many forms of openness, and you choose which level of openness you feel comfortable with.
Depending on your comfort level and what you and the birth parents have decided on, your level of openness can range from pictures and letters sent through the agency to keeping in contact via phone or email or even visiting each other yearly.
No level of openness would give birthparents the expectation they would have a say in how you raise your child. Open adoption is not the same as co-parenting.
“There must be something wrong with me if I don’t get picked.”
We tell our families that it will happen when it is meant to happen. You may get your profile shown to 10 or 100 expectant parents, but the one who is the right match for your family will choose you to raise their child.
Being honest about yourself and your family in your profile is vital so that you can show who you really are and not just what you think an expecting parent wants to see.
You can find a guide on creating a great adoption profile here.
Families are selected for all kinds of reasons. Some reasons we have seen are because of their names, they are older and the expecting mother was raised by her grandmother, they play the piano, they play scrabble, they have two dogs that remind her of her childhood pets, they have other children, they don’t have other children.
In other words, it can be anything or everything. Something special and unique to your family WILL stand out.
“I feel guilty that I want to adopt an infant when all my friends keep pushing international or foster care.”
Adoption is such a personal journey and every person who enters the process needs to decide what the best path is for them. It is important to identify what your desires are so that you can pick the best process for your family.
“People in my life won’t agree with my decision to create my family through adoption.”
Just as in everything in life, you cannot please everyone. Someone will always be there to disagree with you and your decision and have something negative to say, especially in the online community.
You don’t have to feel like you always have to be on guard or become an intense adoption advocate. You can always respond by saying, we decided that adoption was the best path for us and other people will need to choose what they think is best for them.
You will also find wonderful supporters as well. Most importantly, if you decide that adoption is the right fit for you, just go for it.
Living With The Unknown
As you can see, many of the initial fears about adoption can be worked through by speaking with your social worker and by gathering information from those who have gone through it.
It is a life-changing decision so it would be strange NOT to have any fears. Approach your fears. Know that in adoption there will always be unknowns, but if your desire to be a parent through adoption overcomes the fear of the unknown, you will be well on your way.
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