When it comes to open adoption, it’s easy to zero in on the adoption triad and their feelings, emotions, and thoughts. However, from our experience at Adoptions From The Heart, we’ve realized that much of the triad’s support is through friends and extended families(siblings, parents, and grandparents). In honor of National Grandparent’s Day, Adoptions From The Heart sat down with birth grandparents Adrienne and Chris Thurlow to discuss the importance and benefits of having active grandparents when making an adoption plan.
“We had our struggles at times,” Chris said. “When Samantha was about three or so, she was a handful; very independent. Growing up, she was a great kid, but when she was little, she was definitely a handful.” Chris added as the couple chuckled, reminiscing on baby Samantha.
Adrienne added,” She did everything with us and still does primarily. She would go with us to car shows and name the colors of all the cars. She just had this way about her that people couldn’t believe she was only, you know, that age. When we would go out to eat with family, she was great. We didn’t have any problems with her acting up or anything.
She wanted brothers and sisters for the longest time because she didn’t have many children nearby where we lived. However, she had great daycares, which helped us and her interact with other kids. But, overall, she was terrific.”
Adrienne and Chris then discussed fundamental family values they stressed in your home—treating others how you want to be treated. Respect, loyalty, and kindness are amongst the most important. As parents, they used these same values when Samantha found out she was pregnant unexpectedly.
“Well, most of her life, she had always told us that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to have kids. We were aware of that before finding out she was pregnant. But we didn’t know she was pregnant until she was in active labor.” Adrienne mentioned. “She didn’t get to tell us she was pregnant. The labor and the picking of the adoption agency; that all happened in a day.”
“She had been gaining a bit of weight but was on some medication, so we never put two and two together,” Chris added.
Adrienne continued, “A social worker at the hospital had spoken to us about adoption and mentioned Adoptions From The Heart. I had heard good things about the agency, so we decided to pick AFTH.
“Amanda came the next day and helped us from the get-go. I mean, she was great. As Samantha’s parents, we just wanted to support and respect what she wanted to do. We’ve always been a close family, and she values our input as we do hers. It became a family decision because of the suddenness of it all.”
Before Samantha’s placement, Chris and Adrienne mentioned having little connection to the adoption world. Chris’ father was adopted, as well as Adrienne’s sister. They discussed quickly learning about what open adoption was and what it could look like. Immediately, they mentioned providing unconditional support no matter what.
“We told her, you know, we’re in this together. There was no blame. Unfortunately, it just happened the way it did. Do I wish things could have been different? Yes. But again, given her and our circumstances, we all agreed this was the best option for the baby,” the couple answered.
“It’s tough for all of us, but she’s in a great home, which is very comforting.” Adrienne added,” Immediately after the baby was born, I thought I would help her with her, even though she had been going back and forth about wanting children. I guess I was selfish for wanting to have her in my life, but after hearing her talk with Amanda, I knew she wasn’t ready to parent and that I needed to follow her, help her, and not suggest she parent just because of my wants at the time.
Chris added, “I still consider myself a grandparent because I am. Only in a different way. Not everybody understands, but for, you know, Adrianne and Samantha, I don’t know if parenting would’ve been the best for the baby . We absolutely would have loved and cared for her, but we wanted, and still want, what is best for her.
In discussing some things Adrienne and Chris learned about themselves and their family during their family’s adoption journey, the couple mentioned discovering just how strong the family is and how important it is to have a selfless mentality during the placement process. Having been able to decide as a family, every aspect of the adoption left the grandparents feeling like they made the right choice in being supportive.
“I think we’re fortunate to have had one another. The birth father is not involved, but we can talk, see our granddaughter, or see pictures anytime. That’s, what’s great,” Chris exclaimed.
Adrienne added, ” As of now, they moved, and we’re not able to meet with them as often, so that’s kind of hard. Knowing that we can’t set up a place to meet and spend the day together as we did is difficult. The family got transferred to a different state, which we knew could happen. But we do email back and forth, and they send us pictures.
When I’m at the store, and I see a baby’s or toddler’s outfit, I kind of get a little choked up sometimes because it’s something that I, as a grandmother, would do. Chris is really good about calming me down. But her parents include her in our lives and let us know that she is in our family. That we, too, are her grandparents, no matter what.”
Chris continued, “Yeah, I mean when we had to leave the baby at the hospital, emotions for all of us were pretty strong. We did get to see her the next day or the day after when we all met at Adoptions From The Heart to say goodbye before they headed home. That was difficult.”
The couple mentioned that help from our adoption counselor had given them better insight into how things go in an adoption plan, therefore helping them through this emotional process. They mentioned having friends and some family they could confide in, but ultimately are now a little bit more open, discussing having placed their granddaughter for adoption.
“Supporting Samantha was most important to us. Sometimes I want to ask if she’s spoken to the adoptive family, but I have learned that I have to keep certain things to myself. I understand that it is hard for her to,” Adrienne said. ” But at the AFTH Family Picnic, Samantha got to talk to the adoptive parents, their family, and the baby’s adoptive sister. They got to learn a lot about each other and acknowledge that they are extended family now. They’ve been amazing.”
In asking Chris and Adrienne if they had any advice for expecting and birth grandparents, they responded, “Stay involved. The kids are our future, and whether they’re growing up with or without you, you should play a part in their life. Just because she’s not here in the house doesn’t mean she’s not family,” Adrienne replied.
Chris added, “Family is very important, and grandparents play a big role. Without them, it would be a huge loss. Be there for them, be in their lives, even if it might be hard. You might not always agree. Just be there.”
Adoptions From The Heart would like to thank Chris and Adrianne Thurlow for speaking with us about their experience as birth grandparents! Once again, Happy National Grandparents Day, and we truly admire your family’s story.
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