The following article is a candid and transparent article from a social worker’s perspective of seeing the pain one of their clients goes through when the adoptive parents refuse to follow through on their open adoption promises.

Above, we have included some of the excuses we have heard from adoptive parents over the years as to why they have decided not to keep the promises they made in their open adoption agreements.

To be clear, this is not our experience with the overwhelming majority of placements. AFTH has hundreds of families who follow through on each and every promise they make through open adoption and many who go well beyond their initial promises as they form strong relationships with their child’s birth parent(s).

We highlight this one particular experience because while it’s rare, it can serve as an important lesson for others as to why keeping open adoption commitments are so important.

Article first appeared in AFTH’s Jan 2023 newsletter written by Jenna Stock who was AFTH’s Director of Social Services at the time.

A Social Worker’s Dilemma

As adoption social workers, we can face ethical dilemmas in our line of work. Our role is such that we are put in the position to make tough decisions. While adoption can be a beautiful experience, it can sometimes be devastating. Even writing this article posed some severe contemplation; however, I hope it emphasizes the importance of following through on future contact promises and minimizing the chances that something like this will happen again. The most important client is the child.

In 2010, the state of Pennsylvania passed ACT 101. This act serves many purposes, but for this situation, it allowed a birth mom to request a legally binding future contract agreement. This contract is entered voluntarily and provides details for ongoing contact and communication following an adoption. The term of the agreement is agreed upon by all parties, signed, and approved by the court before the finalization of the adoption.

Sounds good, right? Well, this is an article about what happens when the adoptive parents who entered the legally binding agreement voluntarily refuse to follow through on the promises they made to their child’s birth mother after placement.

Twice a year, I see my client re-traumatized over her decision to trust this couple with the placement of her baby. Pictures have been consistently late (or have yet to arrive) since the initial placement six years ago. The couple has also been late to almost every visit, and instead of extending the stay to make up for that time, they always have excuses as to why they must leave precisely when the visit was planned to end.

The calls from a social worker confronting them about these issues are met with excuses and accusations of the social worker being difficult and only taking the side of the birth mother and not understanding where they are coming from. I really want to say:

“she trusted you with her baby’s life based on the promises you made her, and you won’t even trust her with your email address?”

The legal agreement states that if one party doesn’t comply with the contract, everyone can return to court for mediation and a review of the PACA. The birth mother in this situation has spent the last six years debating whether to take legal action. At first, she was so fearful that things would worsen if she did anything so severe. However, after years of disappointments and a genuine lack of any effort on their part to build a relationship, she decided to write to the Judge and ask for help.

This decision was courageous; she wanted her daughter to know she did everything possible to see her and continue an open adoption. With the support and backing of the agency, she wrote to the Judge, who approved the PACA pleading for mediation. She shared details of how the PACA was being ignored and explained how traumatizing this situation has been for her and her concerns about how it might affect her daughter. The response was just as devastating:

“Please be advised that the court cannot act on a letter. I suggest you consult with a lawyer to pursue this matter.”

So here we stand: A birth mom who wants the pictures and visits agreed upon and promised. She wants to see her daughter once a year. She isn’t asking for more than what was already agreed upon, yet she is now faced with the obstacle of locating and funding attorney expenses; meanwhile, time passes, and more due pictures are never received.

The Agency’s view on keeping Adoption Promises:

As an agency, we are devastated by this heartbreaking situation. Much of the education and counseling prospective adoptive parents have focused on not making promises that can’t be kept and thinking about how this affects the child in the long run. Adoptions From The Heart has a minimum requirement for open adoption that all families agree upon before entering the program: sending letters and pictures for 18 years and at least one visit a year. However, this process is based mainly on honesty.

Sometimes prospective adoptive parents dive into the open adoption program with hesitation, which is okay. We understand that the idea of openness may be uncomfortable at first. Our social workers are trained to explore these feelings with families. If necessary, counsel them to another avenue if open adoption doesn’t seem to fit. However, to lie and make promises a family knows they won’t keep, especially in a legally binding PACA agreement, is inexcusable.

The agency always attempts to remedy situations where promises might not be kept for whatever reason. We provide resources and counseling and act as a liaison, and most of the time, these interventions are successful at getting the open adoption back on track. However, there are rare and devastating circumstances like this when nothing works.

We urge each party in the adoption process, including prospective and adoptive parents, to empathize and have a deeper understanding of what the other people in the triad might be feeling and experiencing. The goal is to create forever families bridging parties together for a lifetime through open adoption.

If for some reason you are struggling to keep your commitment in any way, contact a social worker at the agency right away. We can help you figure out a plan to navigate the challenge so you can continue following through on the promises you made through open adoption not only for the sake of your child’s birth parents but for your child. Someday, when your child is older, they will see whether or not you kept your promises.