Birth Parent Stories

On Wednesday, February 24th, Adoptions From The Heart hosted a virtual event: Heart-To-Heart with Birth Parents. This event brought birth parent voices to light, giving them the time and space to speak on topics unique to their adoption journeys. Dually, this event was a fundraiser with a goal of raising $1,000, which was surpassed before the event had even begun. By the end of the event, over $1,700 was raised with more than 70 people on the zoom call at one time. On top of raising money, money was gifted to two lucky people. The raffle prize was split 50/50 between a raffle-buying guest and a birth parent who spoke during the event.

To begin the event, Amanda Aliberti, Adoption Counselor and Birth Parent Post-placement Support Manager, introduced herself as host. She gave some background on AFTH, acknowledging its origins in 1985 and founder Maxine Chalker, who attended the event. Since then, AFTH continues to grow into an organization that champions and advocates for all members of the triad: birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees. Many birth parent stories are left unrecognized, and so, this event gives ten birth parents the chance to have their voices heard. To begin the event, Amanda invited Kristin Kachmar to speak on her role as Expecting Parent Service Manager. Together, they explain how their roles create wrap-around services, which was talked about in a previous blog post. After explaining the AFTH side of adoption, it was time to hear from the birth parents.

The Birth Father Experience

Samai is a birth father who didn’t know much about open adoption at the start of his adoption journey but educated himself and is now involved in an open adoption. In the beginning, he wished to be the sole provider for his son, but his social worker addressed the misconceptions of the adoption process and went over all his options. After that, he began his own path of research on what adoption was in reality. After collecting his thoughts and data, he went through with the open adoption. It has been about 7 years since he placed his son with AFTH. He feels AFTH allowed for a “natural transition” during his adoption journey. His adoption plan allows him to feel connected with his child. He gets updates and photos and sees some of his own traits in his child. Today, he feels great about his decision.

Samai is proud he made a choice that gave his son the life he dreamed of for him, a life he would have been unable to provide had he not placed. Years after, Samai continues to be included in the AFTH community by participating in the advocacy program. His advice to other men considering adoption would be to go over all the options. He says look into adoption and open adoption and how it has evolved over time. When given the option, Samai says he would always recommend open adoption and AFTH.

Struggling with Addiction During Pregnancy

Alison shares her story of placing her son in 2017 while battling addiction. She felt crippled with fear knowing she couldn’t properly care for her child on her own. She worried that her addiction would keep families from wanting to adopt her child. Alison felt that AFTH provided the support and acceptance she needed in order to place her child in an open adoption. By placing her child, it gave her the opportunity and support to get clean. She believes her choice saved both her and her child’s life. Alison viewed adoption as a positive experience for her and still to this day sees it that way.

Her positive experience comes from the continuous support from AFTH. One example Alison provided was AFTH provided her funds for Christmas presents for her child when she couldn’t afford it. She remembers members of agency cheering her on through every milestone, big or small, like when she got into culinary school. During the virtual event Alison said, “It’s easy to say they [AFTH] are family, but I didn’t really know what family was until I went through this. And it’s a huge part of the reason why I’ve been able to stay clean. and it’s a really huge part of the reason why I’m a really good mother today.”

Addiction and AFTH Support Group

Jess is birth mother who placed in 2019. She battled addiction while pregnant. She felt she was looked down upon for using while pregnant. On top of how society viewed her, she battled her own conscience daily. How she got through the guilt was knowing her child would be going to a family that would care for her and keep her safe. She said AFTH made Jess feel safe and accepted when she needed it most. After placing, Jess was invited to join the birth mother support group.

The support group didn’t happen right away for Jess. She felt scared and nervous at the idea of meeting new people and kept putting it off. Once she went to her first meeting, she felt complete relief. She went through her adoption plan not knowing if her feelings were normal, only to find from the support group that there were so many other birth mothers feeling the same things she did. Even though she didn’t speak much at the meeting, she felt more connected than ever before. Since then, she has gone to the meetings at least once a month because she feels they improve her life as a whole.

AFTH Support Group

Ayanna is a birth mother and long-time member of the birth parent support group. After she placed, she had a long transition period in dealing with grief and loss. What helped her most in her healing process was talking with people she knew would understand. AFTH supported her in going to the meetings which showed her there were people that cared. By attending the meetings, she found she had a lot in common with the other parents. Some days she would have her doubts she made the right choice, a natural part of the grief process, but through her support group, she grew more confident that her selflessness led to the correct decision for her child’s wellbeing.

Today, she feels amazing about her choice to place. She still sees her child because of their open adoption. Even though Ayanna misses her, she is glad to have made a choice to give her such a full life.

Impact of AFTH’s Scholarship Fund

Christina is a birth mother and won the Fall 2020 Scholarship Fund through AFTH. She comes from a family that typically has children young and never pursues a higher education. Despite becoming pregnant young, she wanted to a higher education and career. AFTH helped her find the perfect family to adopt her child, and that family showed their support for her during this virtual event by attending. Christina believes that scholarship gave her a reason to go to school and gave her a purpose. To her, adoption wasn’t an ending. It was a whole beginning to the life she wanted for herself.

Impact of AFTH’s Support Fund

Mary is a birth mother who placed her child in 2017. She was 38 years old when she got pregnant and felt very scared. AFTH soothed her fears, and the agency made her feel she was in a safe space. She enjoys AFTH’s outreach classes and sharing her story because she wants people to see what open adoption really is. Mary also wants people to see that the donations do help real birth mothers because they have directly affected her. Donations kept her from being homeless over Christmas when her building was sold, and she had 60 days to get out. Due to being on disability, she lives paycheck to paycheck, so finding a place to move wasn’t a viable option for her.

She reached out to AFTH, and they moved money around to help. Mary gives her gratitude to AFTH for supporting her whenever she needs despite it being years after placing her child. She feels honored to be associated with AFTH since organization genuinely care for its birth parents. Support groups helped her most through her placement. Although so many birth parents have different stories, she felt comforted in their shared experiences of grief and guilt. The unconditional support and understanding in her support group has changed her life and given her a sense of belonging.

Moving Forward After Placement

Kyle is a birth father who placed in 2010 at the age of 19. He was facing an unplanned pregnancy at a young age, during a time when he worked a minimum wage job and was living away from any family or support. So, he and his girlfriend reached out to AFTH. Today, he has nothing but good things to say about their adoption social worker. He felt well taken care of when their social worker mediated everything and was a pillar of support throughout the whole process.

He and his girlfriend chose an open adoption. Every so often, the adoptive parents send him a booklet of pictures and updates on his child. Kyle looks forward to this and shows his whole family. He enjoys the relationship he has with the adoption parents he chose. Whenever he wants to see or talk with his son, they make it work.

Kyle used his adoption to motivate him in making a life he always wanted. He recently graduated with his bachelor’s degree in criminal justice. He wants to make a difference and share his story. His advice for birth fathers is to educate themselves. Make the decision to give a child a better life. Kyle says seeing his child happy and healthy makes it worth it.

Returning to the Agency for a Second Time

Kristen is a birth mother and placed her child in 2017 while parenting two other children. In 2019, she became pregnant again and was once more considering adoption. During her first placement, she found AFTH and felt complete support despite being in active addiction. She struggled to find support from anyone else at the time, so the support the agency gave made a big impact. When she faced a second unplanned pregnancy, she was terrified again. She was worried about judgment from AFTH, her son she placed for adoption, her son’s adoptive parents, and even her support group. None of her fears ever came to light, even when she made the choice to parent her child rather than placing. She felt nothing but support from everyone involved, and it made her feel that much more confident in her decisions.

Making an Adoption Plan while Parenting

Dominique is a birth mother who placed her child for adoption in 2020 while parenting three other children. She told her children she was considering adoption in an open and honest way, telling them they might be giving the baby to a family who couldn’t have a one. Her kids had lot of questions, and one of them felt a little bummed out that they would not keep the child. She encouraged the questions and reinforced the idea that no matter what, the baby would be their brother. Her social worker made her feel supported and confident in her decision. Dominique included her children in the decision-making process in choosing a family for the baby.

Sitting down with the potential adoptive family made Dominique feel more at ease. Once she got to know them, she knew they would be a good fit. She had her family in the hospital and the adoptive family’s family, and they all took a big “modern family” picture to document the day. At the end of the day, she wanted her children to look back on the adoption process in a positive light, so one day, they might also make the choice to give a family a child.

During their first meeting after the birth of the child, Dominique felt more secure in her decision that ever when she saw both families interacting. Regarding her adoption journey, she said, “I don’t think your child would ever hate you because you did something out of pure love for them.”

Dealing with Birth Parent Stigma

Toni is a birth mother who placed her son in 2018. She faced some disconnect when she became pregnant at 38 years old and didn’t have the “storybook” life that people assume everyone had at that point. Toni wasn’t married with her dream home. She wasn’t planning on having a child. She faced judgement from people who believed women should only have children after marriage. Going into the pregnancy, she knew she wanted her child to have every advantage in life. As a single mother, she didn’t think she had the means to give her child everything she wanted. To her it helped to block out the people who didn’t support her decision because they did not go through what she did; therefore, it would be impossible for them to truly understand.

Toni feels she couldn’t have done what she did without professionals. She leaned on her support system in AFTH, the social workers and the support groups. For her, she found comfort in the idea that adoption can be open or closed and that a birth parent can still have a relationship with their child. She feels nothing but pride that she gave her child a family and the life she wanted.